I love the fact that I am me even though there are certain parts of me that I am not comfortable with…I am too into details not observing people but I get so consumed by others that I forget myself. I guess it goes with my antiquated sense of morality. Sometimes I wish I was more selfish. Sometimes I wish I could drop this gentleman in me, a lot of times I wish I could be like the next person and not feel obligated to do the right thing you know why? Cos more often than not there is no reward for doing the right thing. There is no price for being a good friend and the very person you try to be best friends with turns around to bite you(Analogy ooo).
There is no reward for being selfless and understanding, for offering a listening ear, for going out of your way to make friends and people happy, you get nothing in return for all that so why continue? Why put others before you? Why worry about people’s problems? Why wake up at 2am trying to solve another person’s issues when you might not meet that person again? Why in the world did I take that accident victim to the hospital when even his own brothers were there talking crap?
Most times these things we do come to bite us in the butt rather than help us. The society has become one which celebrates the ones who are selfish and think of themselves and the ones who are will to help others are called foooools. I accomodated someon’e female cousin in my room for a week about a year ago and just cos I chose to play the gentleman, the girl had the right to tell her cousin I am not human and “slow”. I guess at some point this crazy layer of me (which I hate) will wash away and OUTLANDER will emerge from MYND. Perhaps one dey, I will shed this misplaced kindness and show of concern cos being best friends to a more than 30 people gives me nothing back. Cos they end up not being my best friend back.
Selfishness rules and I want a part of it. Don’t blame me, I have been hounded and battered and I am still like this. I hate it and still continue. At some point, I get high over the fact that I helped someone out and made the world a better place but right now, I am getting bored with the protocols. I want to cause my own damages to the world. I want to do some bush burning and polute the atmosphere. I want to cause my own damages and have the thrill of it. I want to be irresponsible, uncaring and inforgiving. I want to be illogical and bask in the euphoria of ignorance. I want the bliss of doing the wrong thing and praised for it.
And Nickleback said
I’m gonna change this life for fortune and fame, I’lleven cut my hair and change my name.
I am sick of being the best friend..tired of being the shrink…bored with being the listening ear….and the shoulder for tears.
Why was I made to be this? I am not a real believer in purpose maybe I should go soul searching. I will definately go running this morning cos my head is cloggy and my sight is striffling. My knees are weak and my arms are tired…..I need to be re-strenghtened but I can’t remember the last time I got that strenght…..I am always last cos I stop to help people on the way only to get insulted by those people…..i wonder why.
But over and again, this is who I am..this is how I made myself(Lawd knows I was not born like this). I changed myself into this and I might as well live with it. Maybe when I get back, to sanity I might see why I turned myself into this and smile about it but for now, these are my thoughts and hence, rants….