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Thursday, February 29, 2024

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    Why I Don’t Attend Weddings Anymore

    These days, except for and with my family and closest friends, and unless I’m the MC, I’d rather not attend weddings. I now find them to be quite tedious.

    Maybe because I attended a significant number of weddings from childhood to age thirty. I’ve been a flower girl, bridesmaid, guest, MC, and gatecrasher.

    I accepted both internal and external invitations. I made many trips, by land, sea, and air. If I calculate all the money I’ve spent on transportation, asoebi, hotel bills, food, and gifts, it’s enough to finish building my mansion on Banana Island.

    I went for one wedding by water. No life jacket and I can’t swim (I hope my parents don’t read this). Another wedding, I did Kano-Abuja by road twice in one month. That marriage packed up eight months later and I nearly asked them to give me back all the money I’d spent 😭.

    One took place in an interior village with barely any roads. I had to use a bike and couldn’t even get someone to speak with me in pidgin English! How I didn’t get lost, is a testament to my Guardian Angel who usually works overtime.

    Yet another, I didn’t buy the asoebi and I went. The bride insisted I pay for the asoebi before they’d give me food and souvenirs, along with our group of friends.

    At another wedding where I was the MC, the father of the bride threatened to cancel the reception after discovering that his daughter had a bridal shower the night before. The mother of the bride was quite pissed that I didn’t tell the couple to cut the cake according to the spelling of JESUS, nor did I call senior married couples to judge the cutting of the cake. She actually asked if I’d been paid in full. 🙄

    Phew! I have plenty wedding stories. Let me not start. I don’t even talk to some of those people anymore. Dem no go come my wedding.

    Where was I? Ehen! The allure is lost. Because most of them are just the same old stuff. Disconnect between the couple and their guests. Many strangers in a room. Loud music. Squabbling caterers and guests. Clichéd games.

    I’d rather sleep than have my eardrums blown out by a DJ who doesn’t know to play wedding-appropriate songs. Because why are you playing Flavour’s Ashawo and Everybody Go Chop Breakfast at a wedding reception? Tell me why.

    Nowadays, it makes more financial sense to send cash gifts than travel. Unless it’s a Tiv or Yoruba wedding. Then I’m showing up in person – those people don’t joke with my stomok. They feed it well. 😍

    Also, please don’t add me to your wedding asoebi/fundraising WhatsApp groups. I haven’t heard from you in three, four, five years. I will extricate myself from your group immediately. No, I’m not sorry. We’re not friends.


    Wedding receptions now have hype men. Like, people paid to hype the couple and guests. Hian! Nothing wey beret no go see for Mercy Chinwo head! 😳

    This girl finished eating, brought out her make-up bag and began to repair her face. Then she dug inside her bag again, fished out a hairbrush and started brushing her bone straight weave, right at the table! Peng babe, zero étiquette.

    Wedding after parties are now for the lack of a better word, interesting. As the reception drew to a close, ladies and gentlemen around the room went to change into the after party clothes.

    Goodbye demure laces, suits, and agbadas. Hello short, silk and satin dresses, tight shirts and shorts. One babe’s slit in front was so high, I could almost see her wee-wee. One uncle’s shirt was so tight across his six-pack, I couldn’t feel the AC again. Everywhere was hot allof a sudden.

    I haven’t changed my mind. I still want a small, intimate wedding. Family and close friends only. Lots of food, dancing and gist. That’s my dream.

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