It was 10pm. My street was quiet. Mum was already shouting my name like both of us were sharing the kain name. ” Ayo! Ayo! Dont you check the time? Lock that shop and come upstairs before you sell my things to spirits!
I peeped outside. The overly fat lady who owns a shop directly opposite ours, was not even showing signs of closing. So why is this woman shouting? Abeg I took my time, padlocked the protector properly, rearranged the entire place, packed all the stray monies, and was about locking the front door and turning off the light, when I heard a male voice;
“Good evening sister. ”
I looked up at him. He was carrying a big portfolio and a bible.
” Please I’m closed for the day. You can patronize the other lady. “I pointed at the Yokozuna Aunty’s shop, but uncle kept begging me. He begged and begged. Finally, As a Christian woman, I was moved to compassion like Jesus Christ my perfect example, and decided to attend to him.
“Alright. What do you want to buy?” I asked clearly.
“Errr…I don’t want to buy anything. I just want to drop something heavy in your spirit tonight.” Uncle replied.
Hian! Drop heavy something in my spirit bawo? I became mortified. “Oga please if you don’t mind, I was about locking this front door. I’m closing. Go to the other lady’s shop and drop your heavy something. No vex. Abeg.” I pleaded out of fear.
Well, Uncle wouldn’t budge. The more I tried chasing him away, the more he intensified his begging. According to him, God sent him to me. He wants to share the word. Okay! After much ado, I decided to listen to him.
“4 minutes. Make it snappy.” I emphasized.
Immediately, I calmed down to hear uncle out, he started shouting at me.
” Sister!!! Hear ye the word of dalurd! Damaker! Dacreator! Heaven and earth will pass away! But his word remaineth the same! He is able! To do! Exceedingly! Abundantly ! Above! All! I mean allllll! You could ask! Or think! Amen?!
I grew even more afraid. I didn’t bargain for this. Firstly, it was late night, secondly, if my mother should hear this noise ehn! I am a goner. Even this preacher sef is not safe. He will join to experience her wrath. So I drew Uncle’s attention:
“Oga, abeg you are not preaching to the entire street. This is between me and you. Please. Lower your voice. Keep it down. My mother is upstairs. Be preaching this preaching small small. I don’t have hearing impediments biko!”
Uncle smiled. Apologized, and reduced the volume of his radio set. Good man! As he was preaching almost in whispers: ” God is ever ready to help. To carry your burdens. He said come unto me. All ye that labor and are heavily läden, for I will give you….”
A very loud noise interrupted our sermon. I looked out. It was Yokozuna Aunty. She had banged her shop door with the speed of lightening. Apparently, something was not right. Whattapun??
While I was still trying to figure out the entire senrenre, I saw the most violent mad woman in our area, carrying a dirty bag and coming in our direction. I almost passed out in shock. Okay Aunty Yokozuna ran because of her. I concluded.
As a good Nigerian, I drew Uncle pastor’s attention, and asked him if I could open my protector a bit, so he could run inside, before the mad woman arrives. Uncle refused. Okay, I advised him to forget preaching and be going home. Uncle refused again. Alright. Kilokanmi? Is it me they will bite this night? I Kuku got ready to bang my own door when the going gets tough.
“Don’t bother, I serve the protector of all protectors!
Toh! Me that have just one small protector, I Kuku checked it well, so that incase its not well locked, I will do the needful. This life no get duplicate abeg. Meanwhile, Uncle kept preaching. Eventually mad woman arrived. I wanted to run at first. But aproko is neccesary. Afterall, I dey inside protector. Kpata Kpata when push comes to shove, I bang door like Aunty Yokozuna, run.
“Gimme sontin to chop!” The mad woman screamed at me and Uncle. Oooh! Shes even hungry. I thought.I picked up a small biscuit. Turned around to throw it out to her, when I noticed Uncle pointing his bible at her. Mad woman ignored him, stretched her hand to catch the biscuit, then uncle screamed.
” Don’t give her anything! You spirit of madness! Hear the voice of dalurd! I order you to vacate this life! ”
I held back my biscuit in fear. Ees like this uncle wants to use his hand to dig his grave sha. He thinks madness is a joking sturvs.
When mad woman noticed the buiscuit wasn’t forthcoming, she squeezed her face and started drawing closer to my protector. I ran back. Uncle intercepted her immediately, and pointed his bible at her face.
“Oya move! Go Bäck! You spirit of madness. Get out of this body!” He reiterated and pushed her away.
Mad woman charged at him, grabbed his bible, flung it away, pushed him down and began clawing at him. I was scared for uncle. I wanted to help him. But you know, you cant even seperate this kain fight. They will just rope you in. Azzin threesome something o! Where mad woman would use you to practice WWE . God forbid!
Uncle temporarily over powered the mad woman, pushed her off him, got up and went to pick his bible. Actually, I thought he was going home.
But apparently, home was the last thing on his mind. His rep as a pastor was more important.
So he pointed his bible at her again. ” You spirit of mad…”
This time, the mad woman didn’t let him finish. She opened her bag of rubbish, and brought out one wire like that and a big stone. Uncle ran to my protector. I wanted to open so he could enter but it was too late. The mad woman was already catching up with him.
Opening my protector would mean wahala. Mad woman will force herself along with him, and eventually flog both of us to death. She will even loot my innocent mothers shop. This wan I was giving her only small biscuit sef, Maybe when she enters, she will comfortably add bottled groundnut, tinned Milo, Dano milk, butter and a loaf of bread to the package. She could even pick sweets and chocolate candies for the journey ahead Mba! I cringed.My mother will just bury me alive.
So I banged my door…
As I turned off the lights, I heard Uncle let out a cry.
Mad woman must have stoned him or even flogged him hard with that dirty wire. Chai.
Locking the Bäck door, I could hear racing footsteps. Probably, Uncle was getting away and mad woman was chasing him with the same speed… I felt bad.
Indeed, hell hath no fury like a hungry and angry mad woman scorned.
Whatever the case tho. “Goodnight Uncle. May the protector of all protectors protect you.”
I prayed, even as I walked up the stairs unhappily.
Written by Penocrat Ayomide Ugonna
The Mad Woman And The Preacher