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    My Visit To A Nude Art Gallery

    Somehow, without planning to, from my house and Ake festival, I’ve ended up twice in three days, in a nude art lounge. Some will call it strip club and they’re free. But as a creative, I’ll stick with the former. End of story.
    I’ll start by saying I was on my own, In my house, resting, when my phone rang;
    INCOMING CALL: PROGRESS
    Experience should have taught me by now that once Progress calls on a Friday, it can only mean trouble. But tell me. What in life isn’t troublesome? And isn’t it something that will kill a man again?
    I picked the call.
    “Stevolosho! Stevhoe! StevOjigbijigbi” He hailed as usual and proceeded to state his case.
    Apparently there was a meet up with some OG’s from secondary school, at surulere.
    “Baba you gast answer daddy showkey” he said, meaning I needed to be there.
    “Yes boss” I replied.
    Took my bath, put on my Christmas cloth, sprayed my sister’s perf recklessly like “pffffff pfffff pfffffff fufufu pfffffff”.
    One good turn deserves another. Babe finished my own so we must finish her own. She’s even lucky I didn’t break the bottle and bath with it.
    Boom! I was on my way to old school bar surulere. Let’s not talk about Lagos traffic. Story for another day. In due time, I was seated amongst old friends, sharing old and new tales, while drinking and dealing with the bastard called barbecue catfish cos it doesn’t deserve to be shown home training.
    Because it had been a while, we decided oh well, wadifok! Let’s go to the club. No do no do, we were at 38 surulere.
    See crowd. The entire world including lord gaddem Lugard, was there. Nah! Not for us. We decided to go the place opposite it, innocently named “de crib”
    We really need to review the way we name things in this country. Your business name should at least give an idea of what happens for gossakes. It’s like a bar in eket called angel’s corner. I’m sorry you say what?! We know there’s no angels here bro/sis.
    When you hear de crib, you’ll think ok maybe it’s just one homely building they sell drinks and maybe have a DJ named home training, humbly on the wheels of steel. But fam! We climbed upstairs and saw American wonder.
    Strippers do not get the credit the deserve for their art. Once inside de crib, you’re assaulted by a young woman, whirling around a pole like a newly installed ADA abi ORL fan.
    Wow! I said in my mind, My dear this place is hot o!, can you increase your speed to 4 or 5 please 🌚
    The way this babes straddle this pole, climbing up, down, up, down, up, up, up, I put it to you that your favorite Nepa official can’t even.
    At a point, this babe was climbing so high high up this pole that though it wasn’t my house, and this wasn’t my pole, I was tempted to say my dear please don’t disconnect my light. I’ve paid for this month Abeg. Cos you never know bro. You never know!
    Wives, girlfriends, side chicks, etc y’all need to visit strip clubs, if not for anything, just to ask these babes where they get this lingerie/ sexy ropes they wear. Cos blood of Nebuchadnezzar some of them be something else I swear.
    Some are a zig zag of tiny ropes, criss crossing at the right place, at an angle that makes you know deep within that if they weren’t doing that job, they’ll find suitable employ, those ropes, in tying people’s destiny.
    Some are full and poah! they open up at the most unexpected place. Like my friend said, the art isn’t in what’s seen, it’s in what is left to be seen. And I agree.
    One babe in an army uniform lingerie approached me. I was blown! Army lingerie!! Fam! How? Which barracks do they sell such.
    She said she wanted to give me a lap dance and honestly though I didn’t want, I’m not one to refuse a request from someone in the force. These people spend a lot of time protecting us from insurgents and all what nots.
    So I said “ aye aye captain, major, general, or whatever her rank was, before they’ll say I disrespected our armed forces. Could never be me.
    If you’ve read me before, I always say. When they play your waist by iyanya and a babe bends down as if to pick pin as she’s rocking you, bro run. That be the biblical affliction trying to arise a second time.
    Also worthy to note that night, that the slander for wizkids fever song only exists online. Cos the way people where shivering in excitement once the song came on, if the WHO were to be there, they’ll revise their malaria in Africa statistics.
    I and my friends, did what we had to. I collected one or two lap dances strictly for research purposes in making this post, and we went home.
    Question now is how did I end up in a strip club again? I’ll tell you my child.
    We rocked up to Ake. I and the usual suspects, to see a stage play of baba segi’s wives which was amazing by the way, and at the end of the show, after saying hi to friends we decided to chill and someone amongst us said he had never been to a strip club
    (Insert your favorite surprise meme here)
    Now I followed them not because I wanted to take away my friends strip club virginity but purely for research purpose.
    Somewhere around Yaba, we arrived bar 32 (Lol! Another deceptive name)
    Colored appropriately with lights that set the mood, there were women who looked a work of art. There’s a center pole and in turn regulated by a supervisor of some sort, each nude artist works the pole. They have it down to a science. The way they dance, the way they whirl and twirl round the pole, the way they reveal without showing much. And there, if you wanted a lap dance, they take you to an inner room. What happens there?
    I too do not know.
    But I must comment on the heels they wear! Sweet lord of mercy! Higher than a high table I had to ask because of course I was there for research if they found it comfortable or they’re just used to it. For some, it was both.
    There was this one babe. Tall. Has a dimple when she smiles and was wearing geek glasses looking like a “nutty professor” like those ones in your favorite colored movie.
    For some reason as part of their “customer service” they come around once you’re seated offering handshakes and introducing themselves with the fakest name you’ll ever here. One Aunty say she’s jasmine! Lol! Na so! Sure your friend is frankincense, the other one myrrh. Aunty three wise women.
    Nutty professor was a master at the entire thing. Her carriage, her speech, very intelligent young lady. I asked why she wore glasses and not lenses. She said “ it’s dark, and I need customers to recognize me easily when they return so the glasses help”
    Fair point!
    Anyways I got no lap dances but my friend in question visited the inner room twice and returned disheveled but with a smile on his face. So game achieved
    I step out today in a bit, lord guide my steps and help me not end up there again, but if I do, I have my pen, diary and a fully charged phone to take down notes of course for research
    With love
    Uncle Stephen
    Story Credit
    Stephen Eke| Facebook

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