I saw a post today on IG about a man complaining that in 5 weeks his wife hasn’t cooked for him and sex is zero. She rather spends her time in church. He was threatening to leave her.
My response to that post:
I will speak from a woman’s perspective, as that is the perceptive familiar to me, so men, please forgive me if your perspective is not captured in my comment.
Most women when married approach sex from an emotional standpoint (it is different when a woman isn’t married or committed to you in an emotional way, she can and does have sex for the physical pleasure of it only).
When married, towards you, her physical desires become tied to her emotional needs and she responds in like manner.
If she doesn’t feel loved by her husband and emotionally provided for, she loses every desire to be physically intimate with him.
It starts small, headache today, body pains tomorrow, but watch out for these signs she is becoming detached.
She is responding/reacting to the lack of love, attention, assurance in that marriage. She might have voiced how she felt neglected, unseen, unheard, unloved, and her husband might have brushed it off as a woman just whining. She even starts becoming irritable, seemingly always angry with you, and her husband writes it off as, “oh she is just nagging”. Watch out for these signs, she is emotionally starved, she is passing a message.
She continues to ask or seek for attention, and the more she asks and doesn’t receive, the more the void inside her grows. She starts to feel empty, she starts to feel lonely.
She feels the only time you “see” her is when you have physical needs, you want food or you want sex. She slowly starts to hate doing these things for you or with you, because once you get satisfied, you do not “see” her again until you are hungry.
Slowly she disconnects, she fills that void with resentment as her loneliness grows. She is never physically alone, but she feels a deep sense of loneliness, that is the worst place to be.
How does she explain to anyone what she feels or how she is being “treated”? These emotional scares are unseen, and most times trivialised.
Women who cannot leave (most times 90% of Nigerian women) especially because when asked why are you leaving, is he beating you? No.
Is he not a good father to the children? Yes he is.
Is he not providing for the house? Yes he is.
So why are you complaining? What more do you want? That question….
So she fears the judgement she will face from the society for asking that her love language be spoken to her. She sits back and cries in silence. Only her knows her pain. Only her can feel the hurts.
If she is somewhat religious, she turns to religion, and slowly detaches herself from the source of her emotional pain, which is her marriage.
Some turn to their children and pour all their love and attention on them.
Those who work bury themselves in their work, just to find some meaning and purpose, some validation that they are special.
Some outrightly seek that emotional attention from another person.
The man only notices when she is GONE, how? Because he is “hungry” and is no longer getting fed.
He is no longer being spoken to in his love language, which is food and sex, but he didn’t sense that he was starving her of her love language for a long while.
He starts to cry out for help, “she no longer cooks for me, she no longer has sex with me”, he forgets that she was hungry and he didn’t feed her. Or he probably didn’t even notice at all.
Now that woman he married is gone.
The scary part? He may never get her back, she is physically there, but emotionally gone, because when a woman’s emotions toward a man dies, it will take twice as much energy as was in the beginning to get her back.
Some men do not understand why they should chase what they “already have”, not to mention doing it with twice as much effort and energy to win her back, as before she agreed to be his.
- Yemz NI –