Mobil filling station, THIEVES ! OLE !! 419 JATI JATI !!! Imagine the bombastic audacity of this bastardly nimcompoops ?
They tried it mehn ! 😦😑
So I drive into the filling station on Kudirat Abiola way and ask the attendant to sell N4,000 fuel:
Attendant: Sister good day I like your hair o ! (There is wide cunning grin on his face.)
Me: Thanks. ( I start pressing my phone to avoid further conversation. Just sell my fuel lemme gerrout)
Attendant: I am done
I look up to see he has stopped the tank at N500.
Me: I said 4,000. Why did you stop it ?
Him: I thought you said N500.
Me: Are your ears paining you? How does N4000 sound like N500 ? Give me N4000 PLEASE.
(I know where this is heading because they have tried this rubbish with me before. I am hoping my rude tone will give him sufficient warning. Not today Satan)
I look down and continue pressing my phone.
Attendant: I am done.
I look up again to see that he has stopped it at N3,500.
Me: Is there a problem here ? I said sell N4,000.
Him: I already sold N500. This is the balance.
Me: But you did not clear the N500 to start from zero. You continued from N500. So complete my N4000.
(Meanwhile I had already paid N4000 with a POS)
Attendant: Madam you were not looking. You were pressing your phone.
Me: (Feeling my irritation rising with the speed of lightning with little patience for this obvious manipulation, I got out of the car and face him)
I know you have siphoned N500 in like 1000 places today but you have tried it with the wrong person. Fill my tank to the N4000 I paid or give me back my N500.
Him: Madam abeg I don sell your fuel.
Me: You want to try me abi ? I say fill up my balance this instance iwo omo ale jati jati yi ! ( At this point my voice is high and the other attendants gather round supporting him.)
The cars behind are horning impatiently on the queue.
Co-attendant: Madam please park infront let them sell to other people.
Me: Is like the petrol fumes you people inhale is making you high. I am not moving anywhere today.
I remove my tusk necklace that I bought from Lekki art market.
I hold it close to my lips and murmur a few words on it. They all back away a step or two and look at me suspiciously. I fake spit on it and hold it out palm facing upwards.
Me: If you don’t give me back my N500 now or fill my tank to N4000. You will die in 500 days time and by tomorrow morning your penis wil be the size of this thing.
If you are innocent nothing will happen to you. If you are guilty your family will mourn you in 500 days.
At first he looks at me in disbelief and suspicion. Then fear supercedes all reasoning and he breaks into a forced smile.
“Ahhh sister na wa o. E never reach to use your aristo jazz for me nah. Abeg come collect your fuel I no want wahala.”
Me: I will teach you a lesson you will never forget. I will make you a scape goat here.
I don’t want the fuel again.
I entered my car and made to drive off. He runs to the front of the car and starts begging.
“Na play I dey I dey play abeg collect your fuel o”
The other attendants start begging on his behalf.
Me: Dey look face before you try this your nonsense with people. You go jam trailer one day all of you. I don’t want the fuel again leave me alone.
After much pleading and begging. I allow him to to fuel my car. He tops it to N4500.
Him: See I don give you extra N500. No curse my prick abeg !
Me: I didnt ask you to. I don’t need it. Is it not from the money you have scammed from people today ?
Lagos. All of us are mad here.
If you came here sane you are definitely leaving with a few screws unhinged. And if you were born with some screws unhinged like me…well…may the power of the ‘Bleck Penther’ be with you.