I Am Now Husbandless

Ladies be wise!

I just broke up with my boyfriend of seven days.

Forget all this wokeness you find on Facebook. Forgerrit!!!

You can not separate a “pure” Igbo man, from his swallow. Ko jor!

In simple English: Except, in really rare occasions, prepare to pound yam! You might not pound fufu o. But yam??? Just zero your mind. This men are mean!!!

Look at the one I was already preparing to take studio picture with on my birthday. Honestly, I was already warming up to form Facebook couple goals with him… Go public. Warn off potential side bitches with threats of acid and fermented cassava water. Become a relationship coach… Etc.

Only for him to tell me to come over and make customized pounded yam for him. Azzin, that is what his body needs now. Customized pounded yam.

Toh! Lemme buy poundo on the way while coming na. It’s customized enough. Labels and all.. He said Noooo. According to him, once in a while, his wife must give him a feel of home with her customized swallows. 😕

Designers chewables ni! We just 7 days old and you’re already looking for swallows that will give you a feel of home?? Are you currently having a feel of the bush???

So…. We broke up.

Dear God,
I’m back to my horsebandless state.
Please send me a man like my Daddy.
An Igbo-Yoruba man. Somebody that will not ewwww at me when I express my undying love for amala and ewedu. Rather, he’ll join me to savour the heavenly delicacy, and bless the God of amala in return, for his plenty sense and creativity.

Someone who prefers to stir in love, …. Rather than pound in suffer head. Stirring is the new pounding.

Someone that appreciates the bland stew in its nakedness. Red oil. Enough blended tomatoes and pepper. Not every time, Karri, turmeric, and ginger upandan.

Someone who’s able to eat all kinds of soup, with stew like me. Amen.

Someone who knows that there are many ways to kill a rat. Who knows that fufu is fufu and it’s just 50 naira outside. Also, pounded yam can be bought too. Las las, it’s under 1k. There’s nothing to customize about it. It’s not wedding card.

Ehen!!! Most importantly, I want a fellow #PepperDemGang buddie. Somebody that has developed taste buds for serious pepper. Hot pepper. Mad pepper. Not the one that will call 911 for me and file complain that I want to poison him and collect all his property.

So help me God.

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